Verkada Booger Eater API Shut Down After Leaders Decry Overreach

San Mateo, CA - The Cloud Security Camera company Verkada had to shut down their new Booger Eater API Service on Thursday after the leadership of 60% of customers were found to be regular booger eaters. Prominent customers including Exxon Mobile, J.P Morgan Chase, Palantir, Bain & Co, and McKinsey were granted free access to the new AI-compilation product last week where employees quickly assembled montages of prominent employees eating boogers.

“I didn’t realize how closely correlated corporate profits and booger eating were,” Said Tom Collins, a Senior Business Analyst at McKinsey. “When everyone you respect turns out to be slopping down squishers, you gotta start doing it yourself to survive.”

Among the eaters are Verkada CEO, CFO, and CIO themselves, leading some objectors to accuse Verkada of “revealing sacred secrets” and “initiating a race to the bottom”.

“U.S. companies were poised to stay ahead for another century," said John Tate, a booger eater and Senior Economic Advisor to the President, “Now the eating scheme is exposed and we’ll have to figure out a new plan.”

BTO - January 2, 2026