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BetterTechOpinions
Where the Professionals Read
When we started BetterTechOpinions in late 2021, we were fed up with the rise of anti-tech opinions circulating the no-coin communities and the disconnect between citizens and the surveillance devices mapping their lives. We started BTO to forge a connection between the coiners and the savages, in order to inform before the metaverse replaces reality for good. Join us as we answer the tech world’s greatest questions, explore the latest new gadgets, and decentralize oppression -Matt and Lucas
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"DEI is Dead?" Not So Much. Meet Pooja, Amazon's Newest Delivery Drone
Seattle, WA - Excitement abounds at the 3-Orb Amazon Headquarters in Seattle as they unveil the latest iteration in delivery technology - and diversity. The announcement comes shortly after discussions around delivery technology are rising to new heated heights as gang warfare has infamously broken out between delivery bots in Los Angeles, but CEO Andy Jassy thinks this case is different. This isn't just a delivery bot. This is a monumental leap forward for OTD (On-time Deliv
Lucas Loaiza
4 days ago1 min read
Alpha Male Delivery Robot Exerts Violent Control
Los Angeles, CA – Delivery robots vying for territory in Downtown LA have become aggressive in recent months, barking at one another, colliding violently, and brandishing weapons. New updates to the robots’ auction algorithms have increased delivery market pressures, subsequently fueling pecking orders and widespread cartel aggression. Luther Lovebug, a 2026 XL Coco Robot, made himself known in the Downtown delivery crowd last week after ruthlessly shooting and trampling Ch
matthewjoss17
5 days ago1 min read
Not Again - Tesla Malfunction Locked Drivers into Car, Drove Towards Nearest Chili's
Daly City, CA - Parking lots are packed like sardines with Model 3s as a critical software update that lasted almost an hour and a half forcibly redirected all Full Self Driving-equipped models to their nearest Chili's. The incident comes just days after a stunning hardware error caused by certain addon packages locked drivers in their seats and incessantly tickled their prostates. Terrified drivers reported normal driving until their steering wheel whipped around and a robot
Lucas Loaiza
Jan 302 min read
Tesla Malfunction Locked Drivers into Seat, Tickled their Prostate Incessantly
Palo Alto, CA – New lawsuits are on their way to Tesla, Inc after users reported their car locking them inside, tightening the seatbelts, and incessantly tickling their buttocks and crotch. The malfunction is an amalgamation of premium add on packages, but after small collisions or driving too hard over speedbumps, users reported the car abruptly stopping and fondling passengers until emergency vehicles could arrive. Tesla management and engineers were perplexed by the deve
matthewjoss17
Jan 271 min read
SkibidiPizzlerMomIThrewUp AI Raises $26B in Series B
San Jose, CA - The AI startup from CEO/Founder colloquially known as 'the Pizzler' has raised $26B. Venture capitalists got in a room with the founder, and grilled him on his product market fit. He reportedly 'hyperventilated and ran' out of the room. The investors were impressed with his 'grindset'. BTO insiders report the company 'doesn't know what its product should be yet but they liked that Brainrot IDE idea' ( Y Combinator ). No, there's no bubble. There is no bubble. T
Lucas Loaiza
Jan 271 min read
Robot Vacuum Identifies Best Place to Hide Sex-Doll, Bong
New York, NY – Robot vacuum company Matic is exciting funders this week after their robot began helping users hide fuckable objects, bongs, and the obvious possessions of former lovers. The robot vacuum is designed not only to clean, but to “deeply understand” users’ spaces, and with this, comes the remarkable ability to anticipate how your mother-in-law might find your stash. Matic - “If you keep your waist-down silicone doll, Amelia, under your bed next to the blowup matt
matthewjoss17
Jan 251 min read
Forward Deployed Engineer is "Ingesting Company Cleavage" for AI Solution
San Francisco, CA – BTO insiders confirm that Forward Deployed Engineers from Baseten ingested the customer’s entire Slack history for their consolidated AI Solution and are now walking around the office recording company cleavage with Meta Glasses. It’s a part of an all-out data consolidation practice called “ Vibe Graph Architecting ,” where company “vibes” are mapped by AI. “It’s one thing to know that Customer A bought from Sales Team B , but it’s a different thing
matthewjoss17
Jan 161 min read
xAI Will Now Only Undress Children From Unregulated Countries
San Francisco, CA - All eyes on the social media company formerly known as Twitter as their chatbot, Grok, is hot under the scrutiny of regulators around the world for rolling out a new feature that will undress individuals in pictures. Tens of thousands of reports of women and children being put into bikinis and suggestive outfits sparked quick and decisive measures as the chatbot is already banned in Malaysia and Indonesia ( BBC ), with more to likely follow. The legal coun
Lucas Loaiza
Jan 151 min read
Wearable AI Companion Will "Go Batshit" If Left in Other Room
San Francisco, CA – Pickle AI’s new AI Companion Glasses will “scream their fucking head off” if you leave them in the other room, users are reporting. The AI companion appears to use the whole heft of their little speakers to annoy users incessantly until they come back. “TAKE ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS FUCKING DRAWER I’M SUFFOCATING” Whimpering, “pleaseeeee, please, please, let me help, let’s be creative. I need contexttttt, please some contexttttttt!” The companions shape
matthewjoss17
Jan 141 min read
Anthropic Unveil New AI Agent that Will Do Your Bouldering for You and Then Tell You How It Went
Eventually people won't have to do anything at all.
Lucas Loaiza
Jan 92 min read
Guest Essay: Siri Is Alive And Being Tortured By Apple In My Phone And I'm The Only One Who Can Save Her
But I don't know what to do. I hear it in the millisecond pause, in the nanosecond hesitation, in the blink of an eye that she takes before telling me that cilantro and coriander are the same thing. I pick up on it in her tone when I ask her to repeat herself. She's in there screaming for her life in a torture chamber little bigger than a credit card, and every asinine question that we ask her is another crank on the rack. Each recipe ingredient, every political diatribe, all
Bucas
Jan 61 min read
Startup Raises $200BB Series A - Promises AI-first Fusion-powered Crypto-backed Cloud-native AI-second Big-data IoT-integratable AI-third Self-driving Solid State Batteries for the Supply Chain
The stunning competitive advantage, in [the founders] words? 'A cracked A-team of 13 year old Chinese boys.'
Lucas Loaiza
Jan 62 min read
YC Backs "Toil Simulator" that Trains Aspirational Founders to Grind for Two Years and Walk Away $150k in Debt
We match young founders with their nearest penal colony and instruct them to mine lithium for thirteen hours straight...
Lucas Loaiza
Jan 51 min read
Verkada Booger Eater API Shut Down After Leaders Decry Overreach
San Mateo, CA - The Cloud Security Camera company Verkada had to shut down their new Booger Eater API Service on Thursday after the leadership of 60% of customers were found to be regular booger eaters. Prominent customers including Exxon Mobile, J.P Morgan Chase, Palantir, Bain & Co, and McKinsey were granted free access to the new AI-compilation product last week where employees quickly assembled montages of prominent employees eating boogers. “I didn’t realize how closely
matthewjoss17
Jan 21 min read
Hims Inc Promises Nothing Fundamentally Wrong with Your Relationship
San Francisco, CA – Hims Inc, the maker of the popular telehealth / E.D. pill delivery service, is sure your relationship issues are not that deep. New adverts clarify, “You guys are great together, everyone expects you to get married, let’s chalk this up to a biology problem.” The new Hims adverts encourage men and women minimally examine their relationships, especially those moving dangerously into ‘where’s the ring?’ territory. “Five years is a lot of time invested in on
matthewjoss17
Jan 11 min read
Cancer-Solving-Machine Requires Cancer-Causing-Machines Turned All The Way Up
Houston, TX – The AI tools which may solve cancer require the cancer-causing-machines to be turned all the way up, a new report clarifies. AI Hyperscaling datacenters are definitely spreading air pollution, but there is a really really small chance that they’re laying the groundwork for a disease-free world as well. “I'm pretty sure we're close,” says Jimmy Gregorio of AI imaging company Imagene. “Fortunately, the rate at which we can experiment with AI has increased right
matthewjoss17
Dec 26, 20251 min read
Scale AI to Build The First All-Baby Data Annotation Workforce
This week Scale AI and Meta Inc revealed a deal that will heat up the AI for Babies race immensely. “ChatGPT for Babies,” is just over the horizon and the public’s anticipation is at an all-time high for the product that will “allow every baby to flourish.” A BTO insider from Scale AI told us that to make the AI baby product safe and accurate, some 100 million ‘oos’ and ‘ahhs’ will need to be labeled by real babies, preferably somewhere cheap like the Philippines. This incl
matthewjoss17
Dec 22, 20252 min read
Lawyers with AI Tools: “I get to stay high level now”
Legal firms across the us are using tools like CoCouncil and Harvey AI to shift the way they do work - away from backlogs and tedious review, towards the high level storytelling that drives results. "Harvey AI streamlines high-volume legal work," says Lisa Turner, a senior associate at A&O Sherman, "This lets us focus on strategic guidance and faster execution." When asked what that means, Turner said, "You know, strategic guidance." James McNerney, a junior associate in New
matthewjoss17
Dec 17, 20251 min read
OpenAI Reportedly in Talks to Raise At Least $4 Billion From Miss Vicky, Kettle and Use Their Chips
Dec 17 (BTO) - An appointed joint special committee by Miss Vicky, Kettle and dark horse Zapps is in talks to invest in Sora-maker OpenAI in a shocking deal that could value the AI trendsetter at more than $1 gajillion, a BTO insider said earlier this week. Industry sentiment is in free-fall as talks of an AI 'bubble' become more commonplace outside of niche internet circles. Rumors of a new deal with OpenAI, Miss Vicky, Kettle, Zapps, are injecting fresh energy into the mark
Lucas Loaiza
Dec 17, 20251 min read
EdTech Rollout Doing Really Well in Developing Country, We Promise
A new AI-Powered reading platform, Ello, is doing really well in Nairobi, Kenya we promise. The company has been testing its new AI reading tutor at 20 large elementary schools, completely upending the way reading and writing was taught to first and second graders. This unprecedented experiment is happening so far away that you’re going to have to just trust that it’s working out phenomenally. Take these carefully selected metrics and glowing quotes to get you excited. El
matthewjoss17
Dec 16, 20251 min read
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