Altman's Personal Warlock Loses Duel with Amodei's Warlock for Absolute Command Over Balthazar-Sham-Ivam-Draxi

San Francisco, CA - In a development that has confused investors and wowed AI researchers, Sam Altman's head warlock conceded to an unflappable conjurer from Amodei's camp in a SoMA penthouse duel that was livestreamed on Liveleak for authenticity. The results of this duel have shocked Silicon Valley and the greater AI-sphere to its core, but it can be hard to understand the implications as a layperson. Let's break it down:

What's going on?

It's a poorly-guarded Bay Area secret that AI isn't real and the major players have all enslaved one, or in some cases a legion of, demon(s) that are trapped in their basements. The typical 'AI Researcher' has several sets of vestments for their daily incantations as they clock into work and head downstairs for heated 14-hour battles of the mind with their employer's enslaved devils. 'ML Engineers' are the clerks of the warlocks that connect the occult energy converters with a prompt-based web UI.

What's at stake?

Control of Balthazar-Sham-Ivam-Draxi grants access to the next level of model performance that the two AI incumbent startups are in constant battle to release before the other. As one of Beelzebub's primary devils, Balthazar-Sham-Ivam-Draxi holds a strategic position for next-level inference. Imagine vendor lock-in with eternal punishment for breach of agreement.

How did Amodei's warlock win?

While the duel lasted 3 days and 3 nights, eyewitnesses report a defining moment in which Amodei's warlock clinched a convincing victory. This witness testimony abbreviates the story:

They were dueling over [who could conjure] the most desirable woman in the world. We couldn't actually see anything as it was all in their heads. Altman's warlock had made [Altman's own mom, dressed as a maid] and it seemed like it should've been over. He said: "Warlock, change nothing." But Amodei said: "Warlock, make her ten feet tall," then Sam [Altman] collapsed.

What should we do about it?

To investors, this is an extremely bullish signal for Anthropic. BTO will keep a close eye on developments. San Francisco residents are warned to audit their emergency preparedness in case of confinement escape.

BTO, Mar 10 2026