Sleep Score Gaslighting: Inside the Scandal at Garmin, Fitbit, & Whoop.

July 11^th, 2026 - In a bombshell article published by The Guardian, insiders at Garmin, Fitbit and Whoop admitted Saturday to having no idea how to “score sleep” in the slightest. Instead, product designers from these big three fitness-tracking companies “completely and shamelessly” make up a number to drive various behaviors.

In the article, Jeff Devine, COO of Fitbit at Google is recorded via zoom saying, “Absolutely no one has the balls to call the sleep score incorrect – and that’ll never change.” Even more dramatically, Devine goes on to call users of the fitness band, “Pathetic Chimps with no somatic intelligence,” and that they will, “bend to the will of the free-market gods.”

“The importance of the sleep score is to keep users insecure,” said Isabel Chou, ex-product designer at Whoop. “No matter what people have been doing to feel healthy, we use the sleep score to knock them down a few pegs. Then we sell predictions on human futures markets to Whole Foods and Google. It’s a remarkable money maker.”

Executives from Garmin responded quickly to the accusations, claiming that the leaked design details misrepresent their mission. “Garmin products are meant to help users be their best selves. Part of that is lighting a fire under their sloppy, imprecise lives. The sleep score allows us to do that every single day.”

Response from users has fallen into two camps – some are infuriated by what they see as gaslighting, others are happy to have their pig-lives slaughtered with every possible techno-modification.

“I need the sleep score piggy-shock” said James Bosun, Whoop user in South Bend, IL, “Otherwise, what other incentive do I have to get on my standing desk treadmill every day.” The Guardian’s reporter Dianna Ross shortly reports James screaming, ”SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME,” over and over.

BTO, San Francisco