NVIDIA, OpenAI, AWS announce groundbreaking new 'Ovoid Financing' model

A shocking joint release by American tech industry giants in concert with a stratospheric retail boost from Black Friday / Cyber Monday / Giving Tuesday / Wumbly Tummy Wednesday has markets soaring, promising a bold new future for investors. CEOs Sam Altman and Jensen Huang introduced 'Ovoid Financing' - a distinctly non-circular approach to financing - on the latest episode of Stripe cofounder's weekly podcast Cheeky (Non-alcoholic) Pint. Elated executives say that the new model bundles capitalization on alignment, brand synergy, and leverage in one continuous, aesthetically pleasing, non-circular oval that has reduced VCs to little puddles quivering in ecstasy.

BTO deep-dove into this groundbreaking new funding model to bring the first-principles understanding to the modern layman: you, our ignoramus readers. Here's how it works:

1. Strategic decisionmakers 'Enter the Oval' (1) by signing an NDA that contains a non-binding clause promising future non-binding promises. Each company receives cash from one company, GPU credits from another, and tasteful nudes from the third.

2. Companies that are 'In the Oval' pinky swear not to use infrastructure from other providers as long as they post one hype tech blog piece each Friday.

3. Revenue gains are 'pushed along the Oval' in the form of more GPU credits / tokens until the 'spontaneous capitalization' event during economic downturn when the US government purchases the credits for cash at a premium because the businesses are too big to fail.

We asked executives at these companies for their anonymized takes, here are some illuminating takeaways:

Not a circle, definitely an oval

"Circles are so reductive," reported one insider. "Ovals better capture our nuanced flow of value." (2)

"Fully native exit strategy"

Most of our insiders seem especially excited about the liquidity opportunities that this model provides. "As we saw with Covid-19, and the housing crisis before that," exclaimed one investor, "it doesn't matter how fraudulently a business is ran if it has material affect on major indices like the S&P500. The government will bail these businesses out. It's super reassuring to know that we are guaranteed liquidity by the taxpayer regardless of the risk of our investment. This could be the future of investing." This investor was later seen at a 'Socialism is the death of America' rally.

Founders love it

Founders reportedly appreciate the psychological comfort that comes from knowing that investments are "moving in a shape". One reported: "My teacher only used to let me play with blocks, so you can imagine where I'm at with this. Mind-blowing stuff."

The bad?

Early critics are wondering "how this model creates new capital", Matt Garman (AWS CEO) has soothed these claims in a new tweet: "stop gatekeeping and let people enjoy things".

Industry analysts are falling over themselves in discussion. Nothing conclusive has been published yet, but our monkeys caged in the BTO basement are fast at work. Rest assured, you'll hear more about this from us first.

Footnotes:

(1): Sources testify that Altman wanted to call the model 'Ovular', with new partnerships 'entering the Ovum'. This idea was allegedly shot down in internal discussion due to the similarities to the DC superhero 'Ovuman'. No evidence any women were in the room at the time.

(2): "Not all ovals are circles" - BTO is investigating the spurious claim that this doesn't matter because "all fking [sic] circles are ovals".