SpaceX IPO Valuation Dependent on Company Finding “Subservient Martian Boys”

June 9^th, 2026 – With likely the biggest IPO offering in history only days away, investors are pouring through SpaceX’s business plans to understand where their money will be going. While some gawked at the premise of orbital data center clusters connected by lasers, others raised alarms at the fine print related to “Submissive Martian Boy-Laborers.”

According to the company’s S-1 filing with the SEC, “The ability for Martian Boy-Laborers to evade existing Mars exploratory efforts is obvious and ongoing;” whereas Elon’s own dreaming and astral projection practices have, “repeatedly put him in contact with indigenous Martian boys sporting supple features.” The S-1 section titled Risk Factors include details about how promises made via astral projection between the “Fair-Skinned Martian Boys” and Elon himself, could not be made resolute until paperwork is exchanged upon arrival.

In a series of X posts Saturday, Elon wrote, “The boys of Arcadia Planitia communicate with me frequently, and they are enthusiastic about working in our mines… Towering over their little 2-foot bodies, they regard me highly, climbing all over me ticklishly like squirrel monkeys.” The post included a crude drawing of Elon’s dream where he had an 8-pack of abs.

“There are questions about how the ‘versatile fingers and tongues’ of the boys would fare in the copper mines,” said Cathy Wood of investment management fund Ark Invest. “However, I’m optimistic about SpaceX’s ability to utilize whatever boy-assets they come across in the free market.”

With boy-assets on earth at a premium, investors’ appetites are whet, and the IPO looks to be going ahead as planned at a $135 / share in mid-June.

BTO, New York