Tesla Malfunction Locked Drivers into Seat, Tickled their Prostate Incessantly

Palo Alto, CA – New lawsuits are on their way to Tesla, Inc after users reported their car locking them inside, tightening the seatbelts, and incessantly tickling their buttocks and crotch. The malfunction is an amalgamation of premium add on packages, but after small collisions or driving too hard over speedbumps, users reported the car abruptly stopping and fondling passengers until emergency vehicles could arrive.

Tesla management and engineers were perplexed by the developments, reporting they “had not anticipated these system failures happening together.” They added that “the unexpected should probably be expected at this point”, and that they’re pushing a system update shortly to make this a paid feature.

The massaging probes inside the Tesla seats were heated and reported to protrude 3x-5x further into users butts than normal when these incidents occurred and one lawsuit filing claimed the probes were “vibrating just like I like.” The individual in that lawsuit is looking for emotional damages since his 12- and 16-year-old children were in the car with him at the time of the collision and subsequent orgasm.  

BTO - Jan 27, 2026