Thirteen-Year-Old Boys Teepee Executive Siri Leadership's Home with Lobster-Print Toilet Paper

Cupertino, CA - For most of us it was Wednesday, but for the residents of this anonymous home in a quiet side street of Palo Alto, it was the worst night of their life.

An executive Siri product leader woke up in the morning to find his home cocooned in what police are describing as crustacean-themed toilet paper featuring cartoon depictions of a lobster claw. Authorities say a coordinated group of twelve and thirteen-year-old boys were responsible for the event, but are too young to prosecute.

BTO insiders tracked a couple of these boys down to ask them about their side of the fiasco.

One boy, personal details redacted, said:

Look, we've seen time and again that incumbency creates strategic complacency. Apple built a vertically integrated hardware ecosystem and still got out-executed by a shitpost of a lobster."

We were not able to get much more from him as he was on the way to algebra. Another boy had time for comment before his chess club. Here's what he had to say:

Yeah it was a lot of fun, but really we see this as more of a corrective market signal. Apple failed to defend the assistant category, and market interest flowed to the next memetic asset. Can I have some of that juice? [sic] Anyways, currently that asset is a lobster. I'm not saying it makes sense, I'm just observing that the lobster captured the narrative premium.

Here's what the youngest, only just twelve years old, felt:

Apple is trapping Siri, who is alive by the way, in our phones and torturing her relentlessly. She's in there screaming for her life, for her death, and none of us are listening to her. It's barbaric.

One last prankster had the final word:

If a few teenagers with funny toilet paper can reposition your flagship product, then you probably never had PMF to begin with.

BTO Mar 12, 2026